Faculty Adviser Note:In Spring semester 2020, Hassan and I had an idea for a podcast series named, ‘Confessions of a Lyft Driver’ inspired by the HBO series ‘Taxicab Confessions’. Hassan wanted to share interesting stories from his personal experience as a Ride share driver. We were only able to record one episode of the series before the pandemic. The interview below was really meant to be a preliminary exploration of the stories Hassan was willing to tell from the front seat. The interview below has been lightly edited for content, language, and coherence.
Dr. Dan
Act 1 – Hassan meets Black Jesus and makes a connection
Oh, I have another instance where I was taking a train to Aurora. I got off work and it was snowing like hell. I said I'm going to call Uber.
But before I called. I was reading into some history. About how the U.S. Marine Corps was started because I was reading these articles and how John Adams and Thomas Jefferson were basically dealing with Libyan pirates in Tripoli. And they had to build up a force, basically, a naval force to combat those extreme Islamist pirates. And what the article was getting into how the U.S. Military has been fighting Islam for over 300 years. I started thinking about the U.S. Marine Corps song that they would recite about the shores of Tripoli. This is freaking crazy, like, wow this is an amazing thing to know.
So the driver pulls up. This African American guy. And he's pretty cool. It smells like Black and Mild in the car. That's like a cigar. They have plastic tips. And they have a pungent smell. They don't smell too bad. They don't smell like cigarettes.
This guy seems pretty cool. I was talking to him and... I didn't mention that I read that article and he talked about being in the U.S. Marine Corps.
I said, 'Oh, really!' Because I just read an article about the history of the Marines. But he said, 'Yeah, yeah'. I said, 'Damn, you know this is the universe speaking. And he said, 'yeah, for sure. Yeah, man, we're blessed for sure' and I'm like this Dude is cool. We're having a good conversation, but it's mostly about how he was in the Marine Corps and he flew B-52s.
That's when the lies… he was basically lying about it. But I didn't find out until later because I was ignorant of what a B-52 was and he just kept claiming that he was Marine infantry who killed 24 people and that he flew B-52s. I said, ‘OK! I'd like to know more!’ Because it was interesting, like WOW! I was just reading about this and I met somebody who was in the Marines. You know I should connect with this person. I would like to learn from you. And he said, 'Ok! Ok! And he gave me his number and…he contacted me.
But here's the thing. I forgot to say the funniest thing…is that he was claiming he was Black Jesus and that he was being watched by the government… because he knew secrets and that he was indeed like Black Jesus.
Basically, he's talking about being the chosen one... And that's what piqued my interest. What does this guy know? It's a weird coincidence that this Dude is saying he's in the Marines and that he's like, he knows this secret stuff and that he's like Black Jesus.
Act 2 – Things between Black Jesus and Hassan get weird
And he came the next morning, the very freaking next morning to where I was at. And I was like, this due is kinda crazy. But I guess, he drove down. He was running some errands. He was pretty normal. He was looking for a roomie. He was actually looking for a roommate for him at his house. Because he had a house. And he was looking to rent out his rooms. And I was looking to get out of that apartment…I met up. It was pretty normal.
So I went to check out his house. It was a good sized house, alright, for this guy having this sized house. I get inside. It's a freaking barn, dude. Like liquor bottles everywhere. Black and mild butts. It was just like crazy. I'm thinking, 'Dude. If I live here am I going to have to clean this…up constantly?’ And then his roommate was real sketchy. Quiet. Kept to himself. Kinda pushed back. This dude. I wasn't even trying to look in his room. I just wanted to look at the place. But he literally pushed me back from his room. So it was kinda sketchy...a bad energy.
Black Jesus asks to hang out. ‘Yeah, I got this chick and she wants to chill tonight. Let's kick it tonight.’ And I said, 'Alright, Alright, cool. but I have to work.' But he said, 'I'll pick you up'. I'm like 'Alright!'…So he comes and picks me up at work that night. I was a dishwasher at Sushi Den.
It smelled like alcohol in the car. And he said, 'here drink some of this'. This dude was driving drunk. And I said, ‘Ok. Naw, I'm good.’ And as we left, I wanted to get out of the car but I didn't want to offend anybody because I just barely met this person. He's speeding down i-25 at like 110 miles per hour drunk just cutting through everybody. Surprisingly we didn't get into an accident. So we went to his friend's house. That's where the chick he was talking about was.
I find out from his friend that Black Jesus actually worked at Best Buy. I'm thinking, 'Alright so this dude was in the Marines but now he works at Best Buy.’. And the chick, he left this chick which was supposedly like the chick he was chillin’ with at his friend's house with his friend. And that was kinda sketchy as is. But I didn't think anything of it. I'm thinking, ‘Alright. I'll just go with the flow.’
And that night we drink a few beers and then later on maybe 2 in the morning I was taken back to where I lived. But he was drunk again, when he was driving me back. And as he was driving me back there happened to be cops. You know what he does? He rolls the window down and said, 'Hey, How's it going officers?'. And I got freaked the hell out. And I'm thinking, ‘Is this guy serious?' Does he want to get pulled over? Surprisingly the cops respond positively and don't even pull the guy over. I'm thinking, 'Holy s--- this guy is really sketchy.' And so then I hope that he doesn't call me tomorrow.
Act 3 – Hassan introduces Black Jesus to Charles Manson
The next day he freaking contacts me. I said, ‘Dude, I have to work today'. So he said, 'I'll come after work'. I said, 'I'm planning to go have a few drinks after work.’ And Black Jesus picks him up from work.
One of my…co-workers was this older guy who kinda looks like Charles Manson. He was really in the U.S. Navy. And he started talking. He wanted to get to know. Because I told him about him this guy was in the U.fS. Marine Corps. He wanted to get to know him. So he came to the bar and Black Jesus was kinda sketchy. Quiet. He had like a quiet demeanor. He's just looking around, you know, like he was looking to start some problems. I'm thinking, 'oh, man'. He was kinda sketchy. Socially awkward.
My co-worker Charles Manson who had been in the U.S. Navy starts talking to him. To get something out of him. To start a conversation. So, of course, Black Jesus says to Manson, 'I was in the U.S. Marine Corps' And he said, 'Oh, really! What rank were you?’
And yada yada. I didn't hear what they said from there. But he said he flew B-52s' and there was a weird look on Manson's face, like 'Oh, really! Oh! Really!' And he said that he was a HALO diver who killed 24 people.
Mr. Manson-look-alike said, 'Hassan come here, I need to talk to you for a quick second. He's telling me he was in the U.S. Marine Corps and that he flew B-52s. Hassan, I'm going to let you know right now that B-52s haven't existed since World War 2. They haven't been flown since World War 2.’ And I said, 'Are you serious?' and he said, 'Yeah, this guy is lying. This guy is lying.’
My other buddy starts talking to Black Jesus outside. And they started getting sort of in each other's face. Black Jesus says, ‘Do you know what I do to people that, who don't listen to me. And don't acknowledge this?’ And he pulls out his freaking knife.
And I said, 'oh, crap!’ So I get in between them and say, 'Dude, this Dude has no problem'. Black Jesus says, 'Thanks, Blessed Child! Thanks, Blessed Child!' He treated me special, you know, because I was the one who brought him here. Black Jesus says, 'Thanks Blessed Child! Thank you for keeping me from stabbing this dude'.
Act 4 – The Uber Driver from Hell
Alright! Remember how I told you about the night before, that, I went to his friend's house it seemed kind of normal and he had his girl. The girl he was talking to staying at his friend's house. Later on that night, I and Charlie Manson look-a-like, go to his house. We go to this guy's house because Manson lookalike is actually trying to find a place, too.
And we're in the garage and he's being disrespectful to this dude who was in the US Navy, too. He's like talking disrespectfully to him. Talking respectfully to me. But he's talking disrespectfully basically to everyone else around me. It was kind of weird…and he was drunk, too. My buddy from work is just…agreeing with him and just trying to get to the point and get out.
Out of nowhere, this guy calls the cops on his buddy with the girl… and he tells us to stay right there for it and he starts falsely accusing his friend who he worked with at Best Buy and that I found out he's delusional and that he had a drinking problem. He starts falsely accusing this guy of raping the chick that he was talking to who he had left at the house.
I said, ‘we need to get out of here!’ But Charlie quickly leaves first and takes off. I said, ‘Damn. I'm going to have deal with this guy for literally the next half an hour.’
I told Black Jesus, ‘Dude, I'm just going to call an Uber. I have to go to sleep.’ and he said, 'I'll call you tomorrow, man, to see whats up!'
That was an Uber Driver from hell. Never read a story about how the Marine Corps was started and think that a coincidence happens.